This ‘therapy session’ is a piece of fiction I wrote a few years ago. The material is based on facts (but not from a client), and it has been anonymised.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Therapist: What prompted you to get in touch with me?<\/p>\n
Pete:\u00a0Well, I have been unsatisfied with the sex life I have had with my wife for the last 3 years, and I now find it impossible to get aroused by her. \u00a0Then six months ago, this sexy woman came on to me and I thought, ‘wow! What a stunner!’ \u00a0We went for a coffee, and one thing led to another, and we started to have a physical relationship.\u00a0 She is absolutely gorgeous, and adores me, which is great. \u00a0I feel so alive when I am with her, and it’s fantastic fun, too.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
T: \u00a0How do you feel when you’re with your wife?<\/p>\n
P: She’s a real turn-off. \u00a0You see, she has a bit of a health problem, meaning she gets very tired. \u00a0I find her draining, and she makes me feel like I have to look after her – bloody hell, I have turned into a carer! \u00a0I look at her body and think: ugh! \u00a0It hasn’t changed at all in 16 years, but I now think she needs to do something about her weight.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
This new woman of mine is so fit!! \u00a0I just want to jump on her each time we meet, and guess what: I do!! \u00a0I am so turned on!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I mean, don’t get me wrong: I love Vanessa, my wife.\u00a0 She is good company, bright and intelligent, creative, arty, very patient, witty, and she\u2019s just, sort of, there. \u00a0But I do feel she’s not attentive enough to me.\u00a0 All I get these days is hum-drum. \u00a0Sometimes she even forgets the odd word I said in a sentence, which not only drives me potty, it makes me feel worthless. \u00a0I tell her she has short-term memory loss, probably because of her illness. \u00a0She can’t help it, poor thing. \u00a0But I hate it when she dismisses me like that, forgetting part of what I just said, and makes feel low. \u00a0D’you know, the other day, she had just started to eat her breakfast and was giving me no eye contact at all – not even speaking to me, just sat there chewing her food! \u00a0I thought, I’m not putting up with this any longer, and I walked out of the room. \u00a0She’s just not there for me.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I can’t work out whether that’s all about her illness or whether she’s just not interested in me. \u00a0She’s so wrapped up in her arty stuff or her other work. \u00a0She should have married her computer.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I must admit I have got rather snappy with her over the last 3 or 4 years.\u00a0 She complains when I have a dig at her about some tiny thing, but aren\u2019t I allowed to express my feelings?\u00a0 It\u2019s as though I\u2018m not allowed to get pissed off with her: she\u2019s so defensive, and then she turns it round on me and says I\u2019m having a go at her.\u00a0 I wish she\u2019d get angry for a change!\u00a0 She\u2019s so repressed.\u00a0 Anyway, I can\u2019t help my temper: I get it from my mother.\u00a0 I\u2019ve worked on that in therapy and I\u2019m not going to do any more work on that thank you very much.\u00a0 God, I f*cking hate my mother!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
T: Why have you stayed with your wife for so many years?<\/p>\n
P: Well, it was great at the start and for 10 years or so I thought it was all fine – we were good company for each other. \u00a0But over the last 4 years or so I have realised that I want more. \u00a0I am no longer prepared to tolerate being rejected, or my dissatisfaction with the quality of her attention, or the\u00a0low frequency of sex. \u00a0I had thought I was content and that you had to take the rough with the smooth in relationships, but I realise I can have more!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
T: Have more? \u00a0You mean by leaving her and going with your new woman?<\/p>\n
P: No, by having them both.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
T: How does that work? \u00a0Don’t you have to make a choice?<\/p>\n
P: Well, I used to think like that. \u00a0But through my conversations with one or two close friends I have realised that you don’t have to choose: it’s not about either A or B – you can have everything! \u00a0I can have all of the companionship with my wife, Vanessa, have all the interesting conversations, the holidays, share everyday concerns, and we can grow old together, knowing that we won’t be alone. \u00a0We are a good team, after all.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
But I can also have Tracy. \u00a0Wow! \u00a0I feel so excited just saying her name! \u00a0You see, she gives me an extra dimension. \u00a0I need female input into my life.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
T: What about Vanessa’s female input?<\/p>\n
P: Well, of course, it’s there, but Vanessa is definitely not Tracy!\u00a0 I can never get from her what I can get from Tracy.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
T: So, what will happen when Vanessa finds out about your affair with Tracy?<\/p>\n
P: Hang on, it’s not an affair!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
T: Oh, I thought you were saying that it had become sexual.<\/p>\n
P: Well, it has, and the sex is ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC. \u00a0Better that anything I could ever have with Vanessa. \u00a0But this word, affair, is so sordid. \u00a0It’s a special friendship. \u00a0It’s not just sex – we go for walks and have coffees, and do yoga together. \u00a0And…<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
T: But does Vanessa know it’s going on?<\/p>\n
P: Well, that’s the problem…<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
T: Yes?<\/p>\n
P: Tracy and I met 6 months ago, and it got physical about 5 months ago, and it all went fine until early December, 5 weeks ago.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
T: All went fine?<\/p>\n
P: Well, not totally fine. \u00a0It was bit of a headache keeping it a secret from Vanessa, although my diary was fairly flexible so I managed to hide it really easily. \u00a0It’s stressful keeping such a secret but it was also very exciting. \u00a0But for some reason Vanessa must have got a bit suspicious, and one day she just grabbed my phone off me and ran out of the house.\u00a0 \u2018You bastard!\u2019, I shouted, but she was gone in a jiffy.\u00a0 She went round to a friend’s house to read all the texts that Tracy and I had exchanged.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
T: Tell me about these texts.<\/p>\n
P: Loads of sexy stuff, including about sexual positions, masturbation, her fanny, my cock, booking a hotel room, going to York, poems to each other about our undying love for each other, telling each other \u2018we are so lucky that we have found each other\u2019, \u2018yours forever\u2019, \u2018I just can’t stop thinking about you\u2019.\u00a0 Beautiful stuff.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
T: It’s all full-on, then, all there in the texts?<\/p>\n
P: Oh yes! \u00a0We text each other each night from our bedrooms – it’s part of our relationship as we can rarely actually sleep together overnight.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
T: How did you feel when she found all those texts?<\/p>\n
P: I panicked and phoned Tracy. \u00a0She was very supportive, of course. \u00a0And I was so angry with Vanessa!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
T: Angry?<\/p>\n
P: Well, yes, for grabbing my phone, for finding out about my affair…er, I mean, my special friendship with Tracy. \u00a0I thought it could ruin everything.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
T: What happened next?<\/p>\n
P: I phoned Vanessa and told her to come home right away. \u00a0So she came back after 20 minutes, but the damage had been done. \u00a0I told her she’d potentially ruined a friendship. \u00a0She said she wanted to talk, but I refused, and said I was too angry to talk. \u00a0I mean, if she hadn’t done this she wouldn’t be so upset about me and Tracy, would she, because she wouldn’t know the details. \u00a0If only she didn’t know the details we could have just carried on as we were. \u00a0She’s got her art and her work and her computer, and I’ve got Tracy.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Anyway, I first of all said we hadn’t had sex at all, and that it was just a friendship where we meet once a week for walks and yoga. \u00a0 Vanessa didn’t buy that though, and when she quoted the texts back to me I knew I had to admit to something. \u00a0So, I said we’d had sex once.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
T: Once?<\/p>\n
P: Yeah. \u00a0She seemed happy with that for a while. \u00a0But over the days and weeks she kept on pressing me about it, so I said, eventually, that it was twice.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
T: And the truth is?<\/p>\n
P: Well, loads!: in the car, in the office, in a hotel, in other places. I just love what we do!\u00a0 Vanessa wants to know all the details, but that\u2019s not the point.\u00a0 And it\u2019s none of her business anyway.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
T: So, how are you handling this situation? \u00a0I mean, is it sustainable, for you to have both women, each for different things?<\/p>\n
P: I don’t know, I really don’t know. \u00a0But I know one thing: now that I have found Tracy, I AM NOT giving her up! \u00a0I didn’t have much sex in my twenties and thirties, so it’s time to do it now, and Vanessa can’t give me what I need: she runs out of steam after twenty minutes of sex, which is a real turn-off.\u00a0 What\u2019s the point of getting started if that\u2019s going to happen? \u00a0I have told Vanessa I am not giving up Tracy – I am NO WAY going to give in to her demands!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
T: So, has she told you she wants a decision one way or the other?<\/p>\n
P: She’s very demanding: she expects me to choose between the two of them, and I am just not going to do that. \u00a0So, this is how I have handled it: \u00a0I have told her that Tracy and I had sex just a couple of times (obviously I haven’t told her how brilliant it is), and the last time was ages ago – about two or three weeks ago. \u00a0When she presses me for more details I keep saying that I’m not sure about dates etc, and anyway that it’s not a relevant question. \u00a0Why is she so hung up on whether it’s still sexual, anyway? \u00a0It’s not all about that! \u00a0Tracy and I have something special.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Anyway, I have also said that we have decided to stop having sex, and that Tracy was disappointed but understands. \u00a0I have told her that we now just meet once a week for a walk. \u00a0She keeps saying that she doesn’t believe me, but it’s certainly bought a bit of time.\u00a0 And I don\u2019t want to hurt her. \u00a0She hasn’t left me, and I am of course hoping she won’t, but I am really scared that she will leave.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
The other day I asked Vanessa to confirm her commitment to our relationship. \u00a0She did say she was committed, but I’m not quite so sure she means it. \u00a0God, where is her commitment? \u00a0After all I have done for her, agreeing her to marry her when I knew really I didn\u2019t want to.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
T: But, I wonder if your, er, relationship with Tracy is making it hard to give her commitment to you?<\/p>\n
P: I don\u2019t see why that should be a problem.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
T: I mean, you have told her that you are not giving up Tracy, haven\u2019t you?<\/p>\n
P: Yes, but I have also told her we don\u2019t have sex anymore, the sex is all over, but that I need female input: she\u2019s always said she\u2019s fine with me having female friends, in fact, she\u2019s encouraged it.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
T: But, Tracy isn\u2019t a friend.<\/p>\n
P: What?! Of course she is a friend!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
T: Well, she\u2019s a friend that you have regular and exciting sex with.<\/p>\n
P: But my point is, Vanessa doesn\u2019t know that!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
T: But don\u2019t you think that she suspects?<\/p>\n
P: I am just sticking fast to my line that it\u2019s now gone platonic.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
T: But, even without any concrete evidence, won\u2019t she pick up in your body language when you are lying?<\/p>\n
P: Hmm, that\u2019s a worry.\u00a0 Actually I am a terrible liar.\u00a0 It\u2019s just written all over my face when I am lying, and she often picks up on it.\u00a0 I just cling on to my line though, and it\u2019s worked so far.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
T: It\u2019s worked?<\/p>\n
P: Well she hasn\u2019t left me.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
T: Yet.<\/p>\n
P:\u2026er\u2026 I take your point: I am running a big risk here.\u00a0 But I am being very nice to her \u2013 Vanessa \u2013 giving her lots of smiles, kisses, and I have told her I am going to see my therapist \u2013 you.\u00a0 And, I keep telling her how much I love her, that the love I had for her in 1995 when we met is still all there for her.\u00a0 Sometimes she just does not appreciate that.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
T: But aren\u2019t you being somewhat manipulative, or at least cunning, telling all these lies about your contact with Tracy, and then telling her you love her and still want her as much as ever, when you\u2019ve told me that she\u2019s a turn-off?<\/p>\n
P: No, I don\u2019t see it like that: I\u2019m being perfectly honest about my wishes, and I\u2019m just hoping that she\u2019ll choose to stay with me: LOOK, I\u2019M RUNNING A BIG RISK HERE!\u00a0 I don\u2019t know if you realise that!\u00a0 \u2026.But it\u2019s so important to follow your heart: I am fed up with all this head-stuff: Vanessa over-analyses everything, stays in her head, and I\u2019ve been doing that for years.\u00a0 Well, I\u2019ll tell you this: I\u2019m just not going to do that anymore!\u00a0 It\u2019s time to live in the present!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
T: Despite the cost.<\/p>\n
P: \u2026(silence)<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
T: Do you think that Vanessa knows more than you think she knows?<\/p>\n
P: Hmm..that\u2019s another worry.\u00a0 I just can\u2019t work out when she\u2019s trying to bluff me into an admission, or whether she\u2019s somehow got some firm information that I don\u2019t know about.\u00a0 Maybe she\u2019s been following me about or something.\u00a0 She sometimes sounds so convincing when challenging me about my cover-ups.\u00a0 Has she got some kind of \u2018evidence\u2019?\u00a0 That\u2019s when I blush and look like I\u2019m lying\u2026But still maintain my ground.\u00a0 If you tell a lie, I think you just have to stick to it like glue.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
T: Have you covered your tracks on your computer etc?<\/p>\n
P: Eh?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
T: Well, deleting your electronic trail of enquiries, contacts, emails, internet browsing history etc plus your paper diary.<\/p>\n
P: I hadn\u2019t thought of that.\u00a0 I\u2019m useless on computers, but she\u2019s knows her way around one.\u00a0 God, maybe she\u2019s found out about my wanting to book a Travelodge in Leeds this week, and the golfing holidays I have enquired about for me and Tracy, and the cheap trips to caravan sites we have talked about.\u00a0 I suppose I could just say it\u2019s all for Vanessa and me… Yes, I\u2019ll tell her that and stick to it.\u00a0 She can\u2019t prove otherwise.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
T: So much for the details: how is Vanessa feeling about the whole thing?<\/p>\n
P: I feel awful about it.\u00a0 It\u2019s so hard seeing her feeling absolutely devastated, doing lots of crying.\u00a0 She keeps saying she\u2019s lost me, but she HASN\u2019T!\u00a0 I\u2019m still here!\u00a0 I wish she would just realise that.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
T: Can you be \u2018here for her\u2019 if you keep seeing Tracy?<\/p>\n
P: Oh yes!\u00a0 But she just can\u2019t see that.\u00a0 I mean, most of the time I am here.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
T: If you are saying that you either see or talk to or text your lover\u00a0each day, isn’t it then Tracy and not Vanessa who occupies prime place in your heart?<\/p>\n
P: This is where I disagree with you.\u00a0 You don\u2019t have to make that kind of choice or distinction: my heart can have both of them in it, in different ways \u2013 I love them both for who they are, two unique individuals who bring different things to me.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
T: Does that approach of yours cause Vanessa to feel insecure?<\/p>\n
P: If she feels insecure, that’s her responsibility: it\u2019s not because of what I am doing, or not because of what I am \u2018officially\u2019 doing, anyway.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
T: But it looks like she has a pretty good idea about what\u2019s going on, about the depth of your connection.<\/p>\n
P: That\u2019s an assumption, and I hate assumptions.\u00a0 Vanessa does that all the time\u2026 pisses me off.\u00a0 She makes all these assumptions that I am so close to Tracy, and see her each day, and that we have great sex, and\u2026<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
T: Hang on a minute, her \u2018assumptions\u2019 are correct though!\u00a0 They are actually accurate perceptions.<\/p>\n
P: Are you trying to guilt-trip me?\u00a0 I feel guilty enough about what I am doing without you adding to it!\u00a0 Don\u2019t you think I told myself that I was doing something wrong when it all kicked off?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
T: Seems I\u2019ve touched a nerve.<\/p>\n
P: No, I am just fed up with people telling me what to do, just like my mother does, and I am not putting up with it any longer.\u00a0 That\u2019s all.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
T: Do you sympathise with Vanessa?\u00a0 I mean, what she\u2019s going through?<\/p>\n
P: Well, yes, I hate seeing her hurt.\u00a0 But she wouldn\u2019t be so hurt if she hadn\u2019t read the texts in the first place.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Anyway, I gave her all the messages over the last 4 years that I wasn\u2019t happy, but she just didn\u2019t listen.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
T: What\u2019s her view on that point?<\/p>\n
P: She agrees, and she\u2019s very, very sorry.\u00a0 She feels terrible that she got complacent, took me for granted, \u2018stopped watering the plant\u2019.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
T: Sounds like she is very remorseful and wants to start afresh with you, patch things up.\u00a0 When you heard her say all that, did you think of ending the affair?<\/p>\n
P: Well, of course I thought about that, but it\u2019s just too late: I have tasted Tracy haven\u2019t I? \u2026 and in more ways than one!\u00a0 As I said to you and to Vanessa, I am not going to give her up \u2013 why should I?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
She\u2019s told me that I have to make a choice between her and Tracy, and that I can\u2019t have both.\u00a0 That\u2019s of course why I have let her believe that the sex is over.\u00a0 In fact I sort of agreed 3 days ago to end all contact.\u00a0 She said: \u2018end it all with Tracy: all contact – no coffees, no texts, no phone calls, and no sex, otherwise you and I are through, finished.\u2019\u00a0 She was pretty angry, and I was scared she meant it.\u00a0 I said, \u2018hmm, OK, you get what you want, as usual!\u2019\u00a0 I was a bit resentful, as I meant it at the time, but since then, I have thought \u2018no way!\u00a0 I\u2019ll just carry on the contact but be discreet about it, maybe reduce it a bit.\u2019<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
T: It now feels like we\u2019re going round in circles: you won\u2019t give up Tracy, you require Vanessa to commit to you, and you don\u2019t see any need to make space for only one special woman in your life.<\/p>\n
P: Is that really how you see it?\u00a0 I was hoping you\u2019d come up with a better way of looking at things than that.\u00a0 After all, you\u2019re a humanistic therapist aren\u2019t you?\u00a0 Aren\u2019t you all about following your heart, realising your potential?\u00a0 I don\u2019t want my vision to be undermined by you.\u00a0 In fact, you\u2019re beginning to sound like my dad: he was always talking about \u2018being realistic\u2019, \u2018delayed gratification\u2019 and \u2018serving others\u2019.\u00a0 I am not putting up with any more of that shit: I\u2019m for LIFE NOW!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
In fact, sorry, but I think I\u2019ve had enough of this meeting\u2026<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
T: Before you go, there\u2019s another angle we could take.\u00a0 You\u2019ve three times mentioned your parents in this meeting, each time with some pretty strong feelings.\u00a0 It could be useful if we can agree to explore some more about your connection with them and how it might be affecting your current situation.<\/p>\n
P: OH NO!\u00a0 NO WAY!\u00a0 Do you know how much therapy I have had?\u00a0 Nine years, with four different therapists.\u00a0 I have done a lot of work on all that and I am not going there again.\u00a0 I am not some therapy novice, you know.\u00a0 Anyway, I AM a psychotherapist myself, so I have a pretty good grasp of what can be changed and what can\u2019t.\u00a0 MY mother\u2019s inside me and I hate it, I hate her!<\/em>, and nothing\u2019s going to change all that, including you.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n T: But if we talk about it now, it might save your marriage with Vanessa.<\/p>\n P: That\u2019s up to Vanessa.\u00a0 I can\u2019t change.\u00a0 It\u2019s up to her to change, and then I\u2019ll see.\u00a0 Anyway, I never wanted to marry her in the first place \u2013 it was fine when we were just partners.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n T: Why did you agree to marry?<\/p>\n P: Let\u2019s just drop that.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n T: Well, it\u2019s time to end this meeting.\u00a0 I suggest you come back for another meeting to see if we can take this further.<\/p>\n P: I\u2019m not sure about that.\u00a0 I\u2019ll get in touch if I need you.\u00a0 I’m not really sure about what I am doing, and I am scared.\u00a0 But sometimes, you just have to follow your heart, come what may! \u00a0FOLLOW YOUR HEART!<\/p>\n <\/p>\n (Pete gets up and walks towards the doors, almost trips up, gives an uncertain and somewhat worried look back at the therapist, and leaves.)<\/p>\n <\/p>\n (End)<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Can you really have your cake and eat it? This ‘therapy session’ is a piece of fiction I wrote a few years ago. The material is based on facts (but not from a client), and it has been anonymised. Therapist: What prompted you to get in touch with me? Pete:\u00a0Well, I have been unsatisfied […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":764,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[7],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/richardmills.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/760"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/richardmills.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/richardmills.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/richardmills.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/richardmills.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=760"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"http:\/\/richardmills.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/760\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":763,"href":"http:\/\/richardmills.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/760\/revisions\/763"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/richardmills.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/764"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/richardmills.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=760"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/richardmills.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=760"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/richardmills.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=760"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}